Every year, the schools here have an English speech contest. All the schools in the city compete before a prefecture and eventually country wide contest. The most gifted English students from each school (ie the children of the most pushy parents), all have to perform speeches in English, chosen for them by the English staff at their school. Normally these means that they end up with terrible, terrible speeches, things like Miss Evans on the Titanic (which I'm not sure even exists outside of the world of Japanese Junior High School speech contests - if you do a google search for this, you will see about 5 of the front page links are to lists of Japanese Junior High School students doing this as a speech for speech contest!), or Martin Luther King's I Have A Dream speech - great when delivered in 1963 by King, awful when butchered by Taro Suzuki age 14 in 2008. Anyway, this year, terrified of having to coach any kids through hours of "I havu a eeto doreemu", I volunteered to write a speech for my first year students. For those not in Japan, NHK are the nationalised Japanese TV company like the BBC in the UK. They give contracts out to people to go door-to-door to collect the licence fee, who inevitably come to my house at 8.30 at night when I am in the bath and are rude and annoying. A large number of people fail to ever pay their licence fee. Anyway, with no further introduction, I humbly present to you:
Three Little Pigs
Student 1: Once upon a time there were three little pigs. They were homeless. They lived under a railway bridge in a cardboard box. One day the police told them to move.
Student 2: They went to the country.
Student 1: The first pig made a house from straw. Because he was very lazy. And fat.
Student 2: The second pig made his house from sticks.
Student 1: Because he was lazy too. The third pig was not lazy, he made his house from bricks, with a nice sofa and a plasma screen tv and a Blu Ray DVD player. He also had a Playstation 3.
Student 2: [To student 1] Eh? Really?
Student 1: Yes. Really.
Student 2: Err OK. Anyway, there was a hungry wolf.
Student 1: He saw the straw house and said:
Both students: Little pig, little pig let me in.
Student 2: The pig said no.
Student 1: So the wolf said “I’m from NHK”. The Pig opened the door and the wolf ate him with some buffalo sauce and some vegetables and some potatoes. Yummy!
Student 2: What?! No [makes blowing noises]?
Student 1: Huh? You can’t blow a straw house down with [makes blowing noises]?
Student 2: Err OK.
Student 1: Anyway, he was still hungry, so then he went to the stick house and said
Both students: Little Pig, Little Pig, Let me in!
Student 2: The Pig said no.
Student 1: So the wolf said “I’m from NHK”. The Pig opened the door and the wolf ate him with some cream sauce and a glass of dry white wine. Very yummy!
Student 2: Huh? Really?! What about [makes blowing noises]?
Student 1: Yes. REALLY. You can’t blow a stick house down with [makes blowing noises]? AAAAAnyway, the wolf was stillllllll hungry, so then he went to the brick house and said:
Both students: Little Pig, Little Pig, Let me in!
Student 2: The pig said no.
Student 1: So then the pig said…
Student 2: What about [makes blowing noises]?
Student 1: HUH? You can’t blow a brick house down with [makes blowing noises]! Tschk. So the wolf said “I’m from NHK”. So the pig opened the door and the wolf ate him up with cherry sauce and some parsnips. Yummy, yummy, yummy.
Student 2: I think you are wrong. I think you are an idiot.
Student 1: NOooooOOOOOooooo!!! IT’S TRUE. So remember kids, never open your door to the man from NHK. Especially if he is a hungry wolf.
Both students: The End.
Bloody marvellous, I think you'll agree. It can't fail to win.
